Fun With Mihael Keehl
by kkHavok
Summary: Mello's friend K stops by his warehouse for a visit. Rated M for sexual humour, language, and intense joking at Mello's expense. Third chapter is rather fluffy- I couldn't help myself. INTENSELY OOC Mello- don't hate me for it Finished!
1. Chapter 1

Fun with Mihael Keehl

A/N: Hi! This was inspired by a list of things you can do to Mello that will ruin his life ^_^ My friend Serina gave me the lists (there are more for Near, L and Kira and such). I thought I'd turn them into a fanfic, since I could totally picture myself doing them all. Oh! In this universe, L never died. He pulled a Charlie Offdensen- pronounced dead on the scene only to return a few months later. :D Enjoy!

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**Mello's House; 2:13 a.m.**

Mello turned in his sleep, scratching at his scar. It was cold in his bedroom, though Mello only had on long, black pajama pants. The rest of his scar was so, so obviously visible on his chest and shoulder.

And then…

"THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN UP!"

Mello's blue eyes flew open at the sound of the megaphone-amplified voice. "Oh…damnit!" He cried, still drowsy. He glanced over at his alarm clock. It was 2:13 in the morning! Didn't the Police Force _sleep?_

There was banging on his bedroom door. Mello pulled on a black tee shirt and walked over, opening the door reluctantly.

"Fuck you, K" Mello said, his anxiety dropping as soon as he saw the girl's face.

K leaned over and smiled. "You wish" She said.

Mello pushed the teen against the wall, walking out of his bedroom and down the hall of his warehouse. "You're such a bitch" He growled, not looking to see if the raven-haired girl was following him.

"Well, you're such a chocolate-eating whore!" K countered. She examined Mello's body. "You even _sleep _in tight black pants?"

"They're not tight" Mello said.

"The hell they aren't!" K tugged at the waistband of Mello's pants. The blonde wanted to turn around and slap her. But she was one of two real friends he had. Even if she was friends with Near.

"Y'know, Near was looking beastly last night" K grinned. "I think he's getting smarter"

"I'll beat Near" Mello said triumphantly, still walking.

"In bed"

It took all Mello had to refrain from slapping the girl.

"Since you so kindly woke me, I might as well stay up." Mello said, turning around to face the girl who was EXACTLY his height. "What are you doing here anyway?"

K smirked. "Insomniacs need fun too. I'd think you'd be up all night long from all the chocolate you eat"

Mello ignored her, heading towards the bathroom. "I'm gonna shower. Be out in a little bit"

"Have fun!" K called, waving dramatically. Suddenly, she was grabbed from behind, arms clasping around her waist. She shrieked.

"Hey there" K grinned, turning her head to see Matt.

Matt had a cigarette in his mouth, go figure, and his goggles rested on the top of his head. "Now then, what are you doing here?" He asked.

"I'm here, actually, to annoy the fuck out of Mihael" K said, leaning against the wall as Matt let her go.

The chain-smoker grinned. "Sounds fun"

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Mello finished washing his hair. He pulled the clip from in between his lips and pinned the blonde locks back. He closed his shampoo bottle, put everything away, and stepped out of the shower.

"Good God, I didn't even know they came that small!"A sickeningly familiar voice shrieked, obviously loud enough for all of Mello's thugs to hear. K was standing there, trying not to laugh, pointing a finger at Mello's groin. She finally burst into psychotic giggles and leaned against the wall of the steamy bathroom for support.

Mello went red, speechless. "You…_cunt" _He stammered, for lack of a better word. "What the fuck!"

K grinned. "C'mon, Mello Yellow." She leaned her back against the bathroom wall, eyes locked with Mello's. "It was a joke."

"Don't…call me that" Mello said, somewhat embarrassed. He grabbed his pants, pulled them on, and walked out of the bathroom.

K followed, concerned. "C'mon, Mihael! I didn't mean it! Near thought it was funny!"

Mello stopped dead. He turned and took K by her shoulders, looking into her eyes. "Listen. I don't give a goddamned rat's ass what Near thinks, okay? _I'll _be number one"

"In accordance with the prophecy"

Mello rolled his eyes.

K frowned. "I'm sorry, Mello. I couldn't help it. It was a _joke. _Get over yourself"

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**Mello's House; 8:12 a.m.**

As much as Mello despised her for that crack about his manhood earlier, he allowed K to stay. After all, he hadn't seen her since the Kira case. Since L's faked death. That had been a real shocker- seeing the insomniac detective sitting at Headquarters one day. Like he'd been there all along. Which, according to Matsuda- he had.

K was usually quiet, reading or writing horror and fantasy novels. She occasionally watched television, though it didn't hold her interest like it had when she was younger. Mello recalled his friend sitting in front of her television for an entire day one summer at Wammy's. The only time the girl was really "loud" or "outspoken" was around the few close friends and people she trusted- this meant Near, Mello, Matt and L.

Kal and the rest of Mello's "henchmen" sat around the make-shift living area. Matt was sucking down cigarettes faster than Mello could count, playing his PSP. From the sounds he heard, the blonde reasoned that his accomplice was absorbed in a game of Grand Theft Auto.

Mello was sitting in a chair, munching on an oversized chocolate bar, watching K as she stared at Matt. She was hanging upside down from the couch, head rested on the floor. Her somewhat pale face was flushed with blood, though she didn't seem to mind.

"Kill anyone lately?" She asked suddenly.

Matt snickered. "Mello hasn't been out of here since L came back"

K frowned. "Well that's no fun. Tell me, Mihael-" K was probably the only person who could call Mello by his real name and not get shot. "-do you burn off all the extra calories from the chocolate you eat _working out _with Matty?"

Mello ignored her. That was until she came up and started poking his stomach at constant intervals.

Mello looked at the girl. "Would you stop?"

"You're asking for it, showing it off like that"

"Don't!"

K put on a confused face. "But Matt said you like it when he does that" She said innocently.

Mello facepalmed and Matt burst into hysterical laughter.

"I'm gonna get more chocolate" Mello said huffily, walking out of the living area.

K suddenly took Mello's seat as soon as he disappeared into the hall. Matt paused his game- knowing something interesting was about to happen.

"I can't believe that little asshole beat me again!" She shrieked in a flamboyant impersonation of the chocoholic. "Ohmigod, right?" K flipped her spiky black, L-esque hair the best she could and began again. "Can you believe that? I can't fucking believe him. I'm better, right!" K exaggerated Mello's inferiority complex to sheer genius levels. Matt was trying not to choke on his cigarette, holding a hand over his mouth to stifle the laughter. He loved Mello like a brother. He also loved K like a sister. This was just too good to pass up.

"Well since I didn't beat him at Kira, I can certainly beat him at something, riiight?" K took this opportunity to, in a rather Mello-esque slutty fashion, run her hands down her sides. "I bet I've had wayyyy more boyfriends than he'll ever have. Right, Kal?" K winked sexily at Kal, who raised his eyebrows in surprise.

K then scurried back to her seat as the door opened, revealing a Mello who held chocolate in his hand. "What?"

"Nothing" Matt said, smirking. "Nothing at all"

"Mello-Chan, why don't you have any eyebrows?" K smiled.

Mello frowned. "I have eyebrows." He countered, lifting his bangs to reveal thin blonde lines above his eyes.

K frowned, and Matt tried to stop laughing.

"Anyone gonna fucking tell me what's so mutherfucking funny?" Mello hissed. Kal and the rest of the thugs, who had been smiling until this point, abruptly stopped.

"The mafia wrecked your hummer!" K shrieked. "No, I'm kidding. But we thought it would be funny if they did"

Matt nodded and resumed his game, still smirking.

Mello grinned. "Y'know…that would be fucking funny, eh?"

"Hey Mello" K said in a sly voice. "Did you know that "gullible" isn't in the dictionary?"

The blonde stared. "You're kidding"

"No, no" K said in a very serious voice.

Mello stood and walked over to his barren bookcase that held a few books on motorcycles and one very, very battered dictionary from the Wammy house. It had a black M on the cover and Mello's full name on the first page. He didn't notice that K was giggling and Matt was smirking, still playing Grand Theft Auto.

"Yes it-" Mello dropped the dictionary. Damn.

"I love you, Mello" K cooed, smiling.

A/N: First chapter! WOoOoOoOoO! I think I'll have two more chaps of this and then I'll do a few other stories for Raito, L, Near and such. :] Please review!


	2. Chapter 2

Fun with Mihael Keehl

A/N: Some more Mello jokes :] Oh he knows that I love him. I don't mean anything by it. I love you, Mihael! Don't shoot me! 33

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**Mello's house; 10:19 p.m.**

Mello had gotten used to K being around. After all, she'd been here since morning. EARLY morning. Well, not really early. Mello didn't usually even attempt to get to bed until three. But he wasn't on a case. He wasn't in Wammy's house, trying to outshine Nate. The little albino midget kid…damn him. Mello actually appreciated getting to sleep sometime before midnight. He felt better. Hell, he didn't bitch as much. Provided he still bitched. That was him. He was going to bitch. But he didn't do it out of irritability and lack of sleep.

K, however, was an insomniac. She had no sleeping habits whatsoever. Mello recalled living in the room across from her in Wammy's. He'd often fall asleep listening to her playing her foreign heavy metal and screamo music. Back then, she began to sleep less and less until she was fifteen when she just stopped sleeping at all. Around that time, she began to miss Beyond Birthday and withdrew from Mello and Matt- even Near. Mello smirked. Near cared a helluva lot about K back then. Wouldn't he be surprised to see her?

K was allowed to sleep in Mello's room.

"Get in" Mello said, gesturing to his bed.

"Wha-" K stared at the mattress as if it were a foreign object of mystical origins. "Seriously?"

"Fuck yeah, if you can sleep, well, good for you. If not, you can get some thinking done. I don't mind sharing a bed with you anyway." Mihael watched as the raven girl climbed onto his king-sized bed and scooted all the way over to the side pressed against the wall.

"You still on that thixophobia kick?" Mello questioned, remembering that K didn't like physical contact- anyone touching her skin would often get kicked in the balls or what have you. Even Near. Mello had practically died of laughter watching the albino curl into himself, face going red.

"Yeah" K said, making sure to block any contact to her skin by piling blankets around her body. "Night, Mihael"

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Mihael did a few mental calculations before going to sleep to relax. Mostly regarding Near. The albino was 150 centimeters tall. That evened out to roughly 4 feet and 11 inches. His birthday was August 24th 1994. He was 19. God damn he was short. Mello didn't take into account that he himself was only 5 feet and 7 inches tall- the average height for an American woman. He was also 21. Fuck. Mello did a few more calculations regarding Matt.

"Matt is one year younger than I am. That means he's 20. He's 168 centimeters tall…so…he's…5 feet 5 inches. Ha! He weighs…52 kilograms. So he's 115 pounds. The healthy weight for a man who is his height is 134 to 160 pounds…so he's underweight. Fuck, how much do I weigh? Whatsit matter anyway…I'm tired"

Mello fell asleep shortly afterwards.

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**Mello's House; 8:17 a.m.**

The next morning Mello woke up naturally and looked beside him. K was asleep, a serene look on her face. She was smiling a bit. Mello decided to leave her alone and took a shower. When he came back into his room, K was in the process of waking up.

"Morning" She said, yawning.

"You slept, eh?" Mello said, leaning nonchalantly against his bedroom wall.

"Yep. First time in four years"

"That's a fucking miracle"

K shrugged. "I dunno. There's some bullshit called microsleep. Well, anyway, four years without any sleep that I can remember"

Mello smirked. "Four years without wet dreams, then?"

K threw a pillow at Mello's face. "Just for that-" K bolted out of Mello's bed and dug around through a pile of blankets on the floor. She emerged holding a lacy pink training bra, grinning like a Cheshire cat.

"The hell is that?"

"Don't worry that you're flat chested, Mello. You'll fill out eventually" K just barely contained her amusement as she tossed the lacy thing at the blonde.

Mello stared at the undergarment on his floor.

K finally laughed, falling back onto Mello's bed only to roll off into the pile of blankets.

"I should slap you"

K sat up at once. "If you do, I swear to Kira that I will take you back to Siberia and wreck your Hummer into a chocolate factory"

Mello stared. "Seriously?"

"I do not make idle threats, you chocolate eating whore you"

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**Mello's House; 12:19 p.m.**

"Matty!" K whispered. "Matty!"

Mello was searching the cupboards for chocolate, and his accomplice was sitting at the kitchen table with a cigarette and a beer. "What?"

K leaned over to Matt's ear and whispered just loud enough for the chocoholic to hear, "You do know that Mello is a guy, right?"

Mello slammed down his chocolate bar, shattering the substance inside the wrapper.

"PMS, Mello?"

The blonde slapped the counter, fearing his friend's threat about sending him back to Siberia and wrecking his precious Hummer.

"Mihael-Kun, who's better? Matty or Near?" K asked as casually as she could.

"Better…?"Mello turned and stared, confused.

"In bed"

Mello turned a shade of red close to the colour of his chocolate bar's wrapper. Why did her comments do that! For fuck's sake- if anyone else did it they'd either get shot or slapped and he'd shrug it off. But this was different…

Matt raised his gloved hand. "Obviously I am superior" He grinned, lifting his goggles and locking his dark blue eyes with Mello's. "Near is alright…but-"

"Shut the hell up!" Mello screamed.

Matt laughed in surprise. "Mello...calm down. We're only joking. If you want me to do something that'll piss you off, fine" Matt paused his DS game (Mello wondered how many gaming systems the brunette owned) and walked over to K. He planted a quick kiss on her cheek and grinned mischievously at Mello as the raven girl's face went crimson.

"Don't do that!" Mello yelled, twisting his fingers in the belt loops of his pants in an attempt to calm down.

Matt raised an eyebrow at the chocoholic. "Why not?"

"She…doesn't like to be touched" He stammered at once to justify for his actions. He looked at K, who seemed to get more and more uncomfortable the closer Matt came to her skin.

"Okay, okay" Matt said, drawing back. "Don't be a lesbian, Mellz"

"Okay, that's fucking it!" Mello drew his pistol from his pocket and aimed an inch above Matt's head, firing into the wall.

Matt paled, lowering his goggles.

"STOP FUCKING MOLESTING MY GODDAMNED FRIEND" Mello screamed rather close to Matt's face.

Matt shirked back, and then ran from the room.

K frowned. "Jesus, Mello. Did your panties ride up your crotch or something?"

The blonde ignored K's comment. "I…am sorry." He ripped off the top of his chocolate bar and broke off one attached piece dramatically.

"You're a freaking diabetic. Are you related to Willy Wonka on your mom's side or your dad's? Oh, that's right. Madonna's your mom, Wonka's your dad" K smirked.

An alarm went off on Mello's iPod. He grabbed the MP3 player from his coat pocket and stared. It said something in gibberish about French fries. Mello noted he had a new e-mail.

The e-mail contained a graphic picture of a naked, greasy man lying on a pillow. "What the hell?"

"Look everyone, Mello has gay-porn!" K shrieked.

Not surprisingly, Mello's henchmen ran into the kitchen at once.

Mello, still holding his gun against his hip, decided to shoot into the floor in anger. "Damnit! I don't have g-hhh"

Mello groaned, dropping his iPod and falling onto the floor. There was bright red spattered on the cement floor, and a burning pain in Mello's foot.

He'd shot himself in the fucking foot. How stupid.

A/N: D: MELLZ! SHOT HIMSELF! JESUS! This was at request of my friend Alyssa. A, if you're reading this- you are a fiendish woman. Don't worry, it all evens out in the next chapter. You shall see why she made me make Mello shoot himself :3 Muwahaha….


	3. Chapter 3

Fun with Mihael Keehl

A/N: Final chapter! It's 9:57, I'm pretty sure this story will be a three day project. Anyway, this fluffy little chapter was at the behest of my wonderful, devious friend A. The story was originally going to be a one-shot, but her genius mind concocted the ending. Woot! So if you don't like sappy fluff (I tried my best to make it as sappy and fluffy as possible) you probably won't like this chapter. It has the least amount of Mello jokes (I didn't say it had none!) Now, enjoy!

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**Mercy Peak Hospital; 2:19 a.m.**

Mello watched as the mosquito buzzed around his foot, which hurt like hell. But he didn't say how bad it hurt. All he'd said since he arrived at the hospital was "Sorry, Matt", "I shot myself", and "I have to pee".

Suddenly, the mosquito disappeared and Mello tried to find something else to focus on. He felt stupid in the clothes he was wearing- the hospital refused to let him wear his leather so Matt had run back to the house to grab a pair of his lounge pants and a tank top. The problem was Matt's lounge pants were black, yes, but also loose and rather awkward for Mello.

The door to his hospital room opened. One good thing about the mafia being scared shitless of you was that they paid for your hospital stay. Well, there were way more good things but Mello didn't care to think of them at the moment.

K entered, holding a Styrofoam cup full of faintly pink slush. "I got a snow cone. Well…it's in a cup. But yeah- it's a snow cone. Eh…it's cotton candy. They...Eh…didn't have chocolate...Heheh."

Mello smiled.

K sat down on her friend's bed and swallowed a spoonful of the pink icy substance. "I'm sorry about all the comments." She said in a genuine tone, something not experienced much.

Mello shrugged. "I deserved them"

"There are so many other things I could have done" K said, placing her elbow on her knee and her head in her hand.

"Like?" Mello urged, feeling somewhere inside him that he didn't want to know.

"I could have replaced your leather cleaner with bleach, cut a small hole in your coat so when you ride your bike you leave a trail of feathers, give you laxatives and tell you I called your doctor, and the doctor says that you're pregnant and then explain to you as gently as possible that you cant eat chocolate for nine months, make you eat a whole plate of vegetables, um… put a spider in your pants and hope you don't accidentally shoot your balls off when you try to get it out." K turned her head towards Mello, who had a concerned look on his face.

"You're fucked up" He said at last.

K laughed. Not because she had tormented the blonde chocoholic, but because he'd said something funny. "Oh, yeah. I know. Near said the same thing to me last week"

"Near said 'fucked'?" Mello questioned, surprised.

"He did!" K laughed. "He's getting quite an interesting vocabulary. Matsuda took one of his robots away- telling him he was too mature for toys and he told him that his 'mother was proverbially mature. In bed. Last night'."

Mello grinned. K swallowed another spoonful of her snow cone. She grimaced.

"Cold?" Mello said, watching as she placed the plastic spoon on the bed and sipped it from the cup.

"No, it's _really _sweet"

"Really?" Mello said, tilting his head inquisitively. "Let me try"

K held the cup out to Mello, who smirked and placed it on the nightstand. He leaned over, placing his lips close to his friend's ear and whispered "Like this".

Mello pressed his mouth to K's , relishing in her expression as she went absolutely crimson when his tongue darted out and traced across her lips, picking up the last traces of the sugary syrup.

The blonde chocoholic withdrew, ignoring K's startled look and shaking frame as he mused about its taste. "Yeah. It is"

"You…" K stammered. "Did you just…kiss…did you just kiss me?"

Mello leaned his back against the hospital wall. "Mm…I suppose I did"

"Wh-why!" The raven demanded, unable to make eye contact with the formerly leather-clad man.

"What? It's not like you've never been kissed before" Mello said nonchalantly.

K didn't respond.

"You're kidding me" Mello said, astonished. "So what, you've never had a boyfriend either?"

The girl gently shook her head.

Mello smirked. "No girlfriend?"

K smiled, but shook her head.

"Damn. That would have been hot. Anyway, about the boyfriend problem" Mello looked off towards the wall in a very I-do-this-all-the-time manner. "We're going to have to fix that"

K stared. "I don't follow"

Mello raised his eyebrows. "You don't?" He scoffed. "And they call you a genius" He turned his gaze back to K.

"What?" The girl stared, still not comprehending what Mello so desired to do.

Mello grabbed K's shoulder and pulled her closer to his face. "We're going to have to fix that too" He said softly. "Forgive me, but I'm going to have to molest you"

Mello kissed the raven girl's throat, trailing down to her collar bone. He noted K's intense discomfort in being touched, and ignored it. Mihael Keehl was a self-serving bastard and he was going to be a self-serving bastard for the rest of his life- injured foot or not.

K squirmed and moved away. Mello sighed and kissed her ear, her cheekbone. He had no idea what he was doing- his relationships consisted of raped women or calling for a hooker. Damnit.

The slightly younger girl grimaced. Mello sighed. "Do you want me to stop?" He asked at last, knowing that the answer would be a resounding yes and an awkward moment. Shit…he'd fucked up both of his friendships in one day.

"…no…"

Mello stared. "What?"

"I said no" K muttered shakily.

"Are you sure?"

"No"

Mello smiled and wrapped his arms around K's shoulders- a bit hard to do when one had to stay lying in a bed. "Ahh…Charlotte-Chan."

K's face went red. "You remembered my name"

Mello laughed. "Of course I remembered your name. I also seem to remember that you told everyone your name was Kai. Near, Matt and I call you Charlotte-Chan when you're not around"

K smiled. "Thank you"

Mello kissed his friend a final time. "Welcome, love"

A/N: Ohhh the fluff! Choke on it! CHOKE ON THE FLUFF! Mello was sooo out of character in that last line it's not even remotely humorous. *facepalm* XD Zee fluffiness was mostly for A…and for myself. Heheh… I do like K…I think I'll keep her around :D But I do so love that kiss- I think it was very well written ^_^ Review, beasties!


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